I Hate English

Ok, it's not that I hate English, I am just having trouble speaking it, which makes me frustrated. It's the little things, like verb tenses (past perfect), irregular verbs (too embarrassing to give an example), and specific words people don't often use (orthopedic).

And then, expressing myself is really hard. I have about 50 things I want to say, and I can't get my thoughts in order to make an intelligent sentence. I'm not necessarily thinking in Chinese. I'm not really thinking in any language. I have ideas in my mind that I haven't put in English yet- I learned not to think in English because I'd have to translate it to Chinese. Instead, I would take my thoughts, ideas, and concepts, and just say them as best as I could in Chinese.

My family can put up with me, but I hope I don't sound like an idiot when I go back to school.

Part of the Process

Coming back from China and adjusting to “normal” life in America has been way more difficult than I ever expected. I see everything through new eyes. Things that used to be extremely important to me suddenly no longer are. Friends that I used to hang out with just aren’t any fun anymore. I get irrationally angry. I think that no one understands and never can.

My priorities and life goals have changed, and I have trouble finding a balance.

When I first came back, I was so excited to tell people about what I learned and experienced. I discovered quickly that summing up my time in China is impossible. The way I tell my friends about China is a gradual process that occurs mostly through short anecdotes but also through extended rants about extremely personal and powerful topics.

At other times, I feel that I never want to speak another word ever again about my time in China. Partly because everything I learned is so personal and partly because I feel almost emotionally scarred by many things, I don’t want to be misunderstood by those who I know will never understand.

When I do feel like talking about China, sometimes its fun to tell exciting, adventurous, and ridiculous stories- of which I have many. But I’m extremely thankful for my friends who listen when I talk to them about difficult memories.

I know that all of this is a journey and a process. It’s what I signed up for.

Writer's Block

So I said I was going to post a lot... but I just haven't felt like writing for a while now. I especially don't want to write about China. It's way too large of a task.

Sometimes I miss China and sometimes I think that I never want to go back. It just depends on the day and my mood.

I thought I wasn't having to deal with reverse culture shock, but the fact that my mood is something that affects how I live each day is new to me. I'm not used to being emotional or sad or frustrated. I would have thought that these feelings would have come up while in China, but coming back home is way more difficult than going there and living there.