The only time I've cried since coming to Lanzhou was when I was sick in March. And these were only a few tears when I was on the phone with my mom.
Since then I haven't even felt like crying. Until Friday.
My friend Mac and I climbed the highest mountain in Lanzhou. I looked out over the city and tried to find landmarks. For a while, I couldn't recognize very much. Then I found my university.
I saw the main gate, the building where I have class, the park in the center of campus, the library, the track where I run, and finally, my beloved Zhuan Jia Lou where I live. I was so high up that I could barely make out these structures, but I was sure this was what I was looking at.
I felt so small. Looking down on the entire city of 5 million people, stretched before me like a map, where I could hardly recognize the places that are so familiar to me, it finally hit me how awesome it is that I'm in China. I'm out in the middle of no where, in a small city nestled between two huge mountain ranges. There is nothing for miles around Lanzhou. I finally thought about the fact that I'm so far from home and that I have been here for three whole months- but this is only half-way.
I wanted to cry.
I think these tears are built up inside from being tired of being strong. It's hard to be so strong for such a long time.
I have to be strong every day, but it's just part of being here. Lately, though, I've had to be stronger than ever, and it's wearing me out.
It's easy to be strong for myself. But to be strong for other people is hard. I have to be strong for the other Muskies here and I have to be strong for my roommate Aidana. When my roommate is scared of another earthquake, when she wants to sleep outside or push our beds together so we're nearer, it's hard to stay strong. When she hugs me and won't let go, when tears stream down her face, I have to be strong and let her know that everything will be ok.
But standing on the top of the mountain looking down on Lanzhou, I didn't cry. I wanted to, but I couldn't.
Maybe when I can bring myself to cry, it will be out of true strength.
3 comments:
heya caiticaiti!
So just curious, ever wonder if it takes more strength to cry? to break down? to admit that we can't do anything about it? idk, i loved the last line of your post--really resonated with me!
idk, keep the updates coming! miss ya!
Sounds like you're still having a great time, despite everything! What Muskies came to visit? Summer trip? Have fun and I'll see you this fall! Stay strong! (You're really good at it!)
I love you. :)
Post a Comment