I’m realizing more and more that the way I’m living my life now is a massive attempt to match what life was like for me in China. It’s not that I miss China necessarily; I miss what my life was like living there.
I miss being a stranger lost among a million faces, and I miss that my face stood out among them. (This winter, I’ve been often reminded of walking across the Lanzhou University campus, bundled up in a hat, scarf, hood, and mittens, with my face barely showing, and hearing students dozens of meters ahead of me commenting on the foreigner headed their way. How could they tell so quickly?)
Along the same lines, I miss the paradox of being completely and utterly alone in a city of 5 million people. I miss having my own tiny room in which to (try to) shut out the crazy, unrelenting sounds of the city. Most of all, though, I miss every single second of my existence being dedicated to some form of study and learning.
And so, without realizing it until recently, I’ve been making my American life mirror my international life as much as possible. It’s a yearning for something bigger, a desire to realize potential and purpose, and a crazy obsession with being economical and rational. At the same time, it’s an immensely fulfilling and happy quest.
I’m embracing it.
And I’m going to try to learn more about myself through blogging about it. Want to join?
2 comments:
I like the title of this post - so very fitting.
What do you like being alone amongst so many unfamiliar people?
In what ways does such a lifestyle bring you "potential and purpose?"
I'm just trying to understand...
Miss you. :)
Thanks, Chris!
Hopefully my future posts will answer your questions... I'm asking myself the same things, and trying to understand, too :)
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